Dry Orchid

Withered
Lifeless and purple I sit
Pressed between the pages of my past
Crushed and bent
Bruised in places I cannot see
Broken in places I cannot feel
A silent emotion lies in my
Fragile folds
Almost lost, almost forgotten
Weightless, I lie
Confined to a rememberance
A shadowy wisp of a summer scent
Lying in the winter of my discontent

Once In A While

Once in a while, I look at you

And I wonder how we got here

Once in a while, I look at you

And think about what we're doing

Once in while, I look at you

And nothing seems to fit

Once in a while, I look at you

And I don't know where we're going

Once in a while, I look at you

And my heart shatters into pieces

Once in a while, I look at you

And I feel as fragile as glass

Once in a while, I look at you

And my breath just...catches

Once in a while, I look at you

And I wish this feeling would pass

Once in a while, I look at you

And I want to ask you to leave

Once in a while, I look at you

And I don't want to see your smile

Once in a while, I look at you

And no one else comes close

Once in a while, I look at you

I look at you...once in a while

Loony Land

Come along with me
Take my hand
Come join me
In Loony land

Meet my groundskeeper
His name is Paranoia
This is my groundskeeper
Does he scare ya?

This is my abode
It's called Delusion
Have you seen my abode?
It's painted a shade of Confusion

That's my garden-shed
It's got pots of Pain
Look at my pretty shed
That roof leaks when it rains

Come along with me
Take my hand
You can visit when you like
This is Loony land

Many a stroll I take
Through this tangled mess
Many a laugh I fake
Too scared to address
The choices I've made
On this path that I've chosen
Too many kinks
In this web that I've woven

Come along with me
Take my hand
This is my world
I am Loony land

Scars

I have a scar. It's one of many, but it's probably my biggest and most imposing scar. It's a scar from a bike, where it burned me. There's an interesting story behind that scar: I knew a boy who owned a bike. He was not the first boy I met, nor the first one with a bike. I had known and befriended bikers before, allowing them to take me with them, on their rides, but I never went as far or as fast as I did with this particular boy. Somehow, his bike seemed cooler than the rest, even though it was nowhere close to it. At first I was hesitant. What if I fell? We didn't have helmets, he rode way too fast and recklessly, and I was scared. But he slowly managed to convince me that there was nothing to be scared of. I actually began to enjoy the rides. I enjoyed myself so much, that I didn't even notice it when I got burned by the bike. Even when I did, it seemed like an amusing incident that I could later tell my friends about.

Now, the burn has left a deep, dark scar. I used to want the scar gone, and I kept thinking of ways to hide it, or how I could get rid of it. The years have passed, and I still have that scar. It reminds me of a different time, a different person. I still ride on bikes with boys, occasionally. Sometimes they go fast too - but only if I'm okay with it. I look at my scar, and I can see what it meant for me, for the person I would become after that. The scar is a part of my history - my story.

Since then, I have also acquired more scars. Why, just last night, I burnt myself on another boy's bike. It's a small scar, in size, but it's deep. Hopefully a few years will pass, and I'll look back on it the way I look back on the first one. Today, though, it hurts.

My scars have defined me for years, and will continue to do so, but I have learnt not to play with fire. Or boys on bikes. :)

Pas De Deux

I know you don't mean a single word you say
But I love to hear those lies anyway

I know you don't really care what I do
But I love to imagine that you do

I know you don't see me the way I see you
But I love to think that you think of me, too

I know what we have together is not strong
But I love it, because it feels so wrong

I love the sins you confess
You love the way that I dress
I love your dark, dirty mind
You love the inhibitions I leave behind
I love the truth you never tell
You love my curves, that you know so well

I love everything that you never do
I love that you never say, "I love you"

(This is what I consider my sequel to Hot Afternoons. Hot Afternoons part deux, if you will, hence the word in the title.)

Vanilla Heat

I have a story to tell

It started one random day

We bumped into each other by chance

I thought he was cute, but not really

He thought I was cute, but no matter

We grew closer, and bumped into each other more

He became way too cute to resist

And I became way too tempting to say "no" to

We kissed

Once, twice, thrice

We continued to bump into each other

Four, five, six

We talked some more

Seven, eight, nine

Wait, stop!

Ten is too many

This has to stop

We stopped bumping into each other

We only said hello

Like acquaintances, not friends

Definitely not like lovers

Then one day, I bumped into him again

He was still cute, but not really

He still thought I was cute, but no matter

We smiled more

The secret we shared was etched in our minds

Slowly, the embers were fanned

The fire grew hotter and hotter

Like a summer's day on a beach

In the fiery scent of a vanilla breeze

Nine became ten

Ten became twenty

And the summer became a blaze

Now the fire has died
Dark stains criss cross my clothes
Stains too deep to remove
Sometimes, on a random day
I can smell the vanilla wafting in
I can feel phantom heat caressing my skin
Like he did

One...two...three...
Four...five...six...

Pushing Back

Her face is streaked with tears

She cries out, again and again,

“No! No! No!!”, an animal howl

The sounds rips through her throat

Her face twists in pain

As she screams out in protest

They hold her tight

Hands gripped around her fragile waist

She flails helplessly

Her hands beat wildly

Her fingers clawing the air

Trying to hold on to something, anything

Her legs kick and twist

Trying to find solid ground

But everything’s moving, so fast

In the distance, the sun recedes

The flowers, the grass, the rainbows

Behind her, it’s dark

She doesn’t dare look to see what’s there

Still they hold her, their grip never loosened

She begs, she pleads, she screams some more

Still their grip is unrelenting

Her screams die down to anguished sobs

Her kicking to gentle swaying

They whisper, “Don’t worry, We’ll take good care of you”

Is that true?

“Why should I believe you?”

“I am Growth”, says one

“I will help you be more than you are now”

“I am Maturity”, the other says

“I will help you see the world as you should”

“I am Wisdom”, says the tallest

“I will help you choose”

“I am Love”, says the kindest

“I will help you dream”

They speak in tones both warm and strong

She feels her body weaken

She lets them take her where they want

As the sun dips below the horizon

Slowly she looks back

Eyes narrowed

In the distance she sees colour

And feels warmth on her skin

She stops fighting

And she wins

Memories

Immersing myself in memories

The thick blue funk

Of distant laughs

And fading tastes

The picture takes me back

To stories long forgotten

Roads long abandoned

Delving down into the depths

Of feelings long suppressed

Tears long dried

Heartache long healed

Knocking on tentative doors

And looking in temporary mirrors

Images tap-dance

Across my fertile imagination

A smile swims across a grey river

A frown skips across a lush garden

A dense cloud of remembered emotions

Hangs over my head

Tumbling over me

Rolling around my mind

Hatred, Lust, Despair, Pain

Each one a little jolt to my heart

Each one a reminder

That I am no longer there

Grief

My heart is breaking into a million little pieces

As that one tear rolls down your cheek

"Are you happy now?", you ask

How could I ever be happy to have brought you here?

I thought we were immune, I thought we were perfect

Where has all that gone?

Do you still love me? Do I still make your heart race?

Because I still love you, and my heart will always race at the sound of your voice

Oh, your voice...so deep and chocolatey...

How I miss hearing you purr my name

Your voice, now so raspy...so angry...

How could I have hurt you this way?

You were my reason to smile...

You were my reason to hope...

To believe that I deserved a happy ending...

My fairy tale is crumbling...drifting away

And as much as I want to, I cannot hold on to those fickle grains of memory...

Every time you say "No", I let go a little more

Every time you say "No", I hold on a little tighter

Is this all my fault?

Did I break you?

Did I break me?

Oh, how my heart breaks...

The pain...the grief...the tears...

Flowing like an unstoppable wave...a flood...

Take it away...please...make it stop...

Make it stop...

Please...

Yesterday

Yesterday, I met a boy

His eyes shone with patience

His skin was soft with tenderness

And his name was love

I stood there before him

My eyes dark with fear

My skin, chafed with heartbreak

And I called myself hope

He sang songs of happiness

And then taught me the words

I told him stories of pain

And he showed me how to heal

He danced with me till daybreak

And held my broken dreams

We sat in awestruck silence

And watched our hearts unite

And now I stand beside him

My eyes bright with warmth

My skin, healed by hope

And now I, too, am love