"I'm sorry" Part Two

You know what? I take my apology back. You don't deserve it. You know why? This is your fault. You knew all along. You swine. This is all a big game to you. Hmph. I don't know why I'm even playing. I'm sure there's some fancy-schmancy Freudian explanation for my borderline psychotic behaviour, but I just don't want to see it right now. Until I decide to say "fuck off" to you, it's your fault.

"I'm sorry"

I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get attached. I promised myself I would not get emotional. I told myself not to expect anything, but I did, and now I'm hurting. I'm not taking the blame, or avoiding the issue, but maybe I shouldn't have expected so much, and for that, I apologise.

Do you even care?

"Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday"

Sorrow

I want to sob. Bawl. Howl. Cry out of pain, frustration and the death of dreams. The loss of innocence and faith. I want to cry because my eyes have been opened. I don't like what I'm seeing. I cry for the loss of my childhood. I cry because I see my life, with all its twists and kinks, and I want more and less at the same time. I want to sob, but I have no choice but to move on. Pick up the pieces of my fragile, broken heart and walk on, with head held high. No one need know my pain, because there is nothing anyone can do about it. I see my life and understand it now with blinding clarity. It hurts me, but until I learn to deal with my demons by myself, I will walk alone.

Bitch Part Two

So I'm a bitch. Big deal. You know what? I'm fine. I pretty much know what I'm getting into. I can handle it. If I can't, then that's my problem yeah? Yeesh. The only reason I was so confused was because people kept assuming there was more than there is to the situation, and in the process ended up confusing me. So now, I'll just do what I want, because I want to, and it's my decision, and I feel like it. There.

Bitch

I'm a bitch. I love to bitch. I'm good at being a bitch and bitching. So shoot me. What's wrong with having a little fun, huh? Besides, there's far worse. Point being, I can't deal with unnecessary moralistic bullshit. I'll allow my conscience to preach to me, thank you very much. Sheesh. Bad enough that I have to deal with my own morals and guilt. Why is my life so complicated? Actually, the question is, why do I make my life so complicated. Divine intervention, hello? Signs from the universe? Something?

Twisted

Life really does have a twisted sense of humour. It dangles that prize in front of you and takes it away before you can think. Or spikes it with poison. It's so unfair. Then you're left there wondering what the bloody hell to do. Usually, what you ought to do is the polar opposite of what you want to do. See? Twisted twisted twisted. Just give me what I want for once! Is that so bad, having what you want?Oh, and then, if you decide to take what you want anyway, when you know you shouldn't, there's that annoying little voice of reason going, "This is wrong. You shouldn't be doing this" and the like. Gahhh!!!

The grass is greener

I want to be you.
You have lovely hair.
You never seem to stop smiling.
You always have a kind word to say.
Everybody loves you.

I want to be you.
My hair was the only thing my mother left me. I'd give it all away to have her back.
I keep smiling because I'm scared to cry. I may never stop.
I'm nice to people because so few people are nice to me.
I always feel so unloved.

Of love and the like

Could you ever love me? Could you love me, knowing all the monsters of my past, the demons of my present and the phantoms of my future? Could you live with my nasty confessions and my dirty secrets? Could you look past my ugly outside and love me for my inside? Could you give me something to live for, to look forward to? Could you give me a reason to love the sunshine that wakes me up day after dismal day? Could you make me smile?

My incredible dream

As usual, I was excessively sleepy today, while in college, so i decided to bunk graphics and sleep. Added to the sheer joy of a midday nap was the joy of the most incredible dream I've ever had! It was so real, which seems to have become a trend with my dreams these days. I was actually thinking practically, the way I would if I was actually in the situation in real life. So anyway, here's my dream. I'm at a cafe with "le boy", who shall remain unnamed, but most people who know my stories know who I'm talking about. We are on a dinner date (finally) and we are sitting opposite each other. At one point, though, he gets up to come and sit next to me instead. We then talk about why it took so long, and I explain how I was so confused because I've never dealt with this kind of situation before. His explanation is pretty much the same. So all is cleared and we're making fantastic conversation and everything. Oh, and there are two or three people I recognise there. Towards the end of the meal, it begins to drizzle. Lovely! And it's an outdoor cafe. Kind of. Covered patio sort of thing. So anyway, we're finishing up the meal, which by the way, he has ordered for me, because apparently he promised me that as part of the dinner date package, and another classmate walks in. She stops to make conversation, and ends up taking a bite of my almost finished Russian salad. We're talking, and I'm tryin to finish the last bits of the salad, and I give her a letter to read. While she's reading, he looks at me and says, "Do you want to forget dessert and just go to the beach?" The cafe is almost on the beach, by the way. We wait for a bit for my classmate to finish reading, but she seems to be taking a while, so we just leave the letter with her, and he grabs my hand, and we run out towards the beach. This is the point where I'm thinking about my jeans getting sandy! :) This is also the best part of the dream, because, in addition to the chemistry at the table, when he takes my hand, there's this incredible rush of chemistry, or whatever you want to call it, and it feels SO good, and both of us just feel so comfortable holding hands and running in the rain, and both of us just know that this is it, and I have to stop and just look at him and let my entire self feel the entire feeling. And I don't know whether to touch him or hug him or just continue running. The dream was so real that I could feel that amazing feeling completely, and when I was woken up at that point, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and finish the dream, beacuse it just felt so damn good! Once I was more awake, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because everything just felt so right, so beautiful, so perfect. I had goosebumps and the world seemed, for that moment, just perfect. I then realised it was a dream, and I had to face the fact that it hadn't actually happened. For now though, I wish with every fibre of my being that it happens. It doesn't have to be exactly the same thing, but to be able to feel that feeling in real life would be...perfect. Sigh. *wish* If it happens with the boy in the dream, that would be the best. Perfecter, if there is such a thing.

My rant against society

I apologise in advance if I hurt the sentiments of anyone reading this post. I have nothing whatsoever against any class or religion of people. I'm anti-bias, in fact. Having said that, let's move on.
I've recently had my eyes opened, and all I can say is, our society needs to usher in some serious changes. What kind of a society do we live in where it is considered a terrible thing to be educated? What kind of society shuns a divorcee? What kind of society allows young girls to be married at the tender age of 18, 19 or 20, just because the oldest member of the family assumes that he/she is going to die before he/she sees his/her precious grandchild married (and possibly pregnant by age 21)? So what? How does it benefit them in any way? What if, thanks to that pressure, the grandchild ends up marrying a psycho chauvinist and gets beaten to death? How does that help anyone? Agreed, that's an extreme, but it's not unknown. Sigh. Why?
I could just go on and on about how terrible society can be. Family pressure, gossip, astrologers, grandparents, image. It's awful. And let's not even get me started about the whole gender bias issue. I know of people who make statements like, "No matter how hard you try, you will always be a woman, and therefore inferior to men." For a person like me, so independent and strong-willed, I just cannot accept the fact that there is a whole generation of people, maybe more, who think like that. Only education can make them change their views, as trite as that sounds. But no, that's the one thing they do not want to embrace. Quite the opposite, in fact. It makes me so sad, so angry and so helpless. I've been raving and ranting about this, to anyone who will half-listen, for the past two days. It makes me sick. Family be damned. From personal experience I can say that, barring immediate family, and a few scattered souls here and there, family can all go hang. They're the ones who judge you and say shit about you when things go wrong. Like absolute fools, we bend over backwards to please this sorry lot? No thank you. I'm doing fine on my own. I'll get married at 25, I don't care which astrologer says what or who's dying. It's a marriage, damn it, not just a wedding. It's only my entire future we're talking about. Is compatibility no longer an issue? Maturity, similar values, conversation, chemistry, intelligence? We're de-evolving here. It makes me sick.

Glass and technology

It isn't often that some technological advancement amazes me, because I frankly am not that excited by technology. Most of the time. Sometimes, though, something just comes and hits me square in the eye, and I have to sit back and marvel at the power of the human mind. Take today. Today was road day. I watched as things got squished into nothingness on the road as huge, heavy tyres rolled mercilessly over them. One of these things was broken glass. Apparently there had been an accident and there were shards of glass on the road. Which got me thinking about safety glass and the like. Isn't it amazing that someone would come up with laminated glass and tempered glass just so that a piece of glass wouldn't poke your eye out in an accident? It totally amazed me. So of course, I had to come home and read up about it. I learned about glass today. I'm fascinated. I was also thinking about how I'd like to learn to fix a car. So if I'm ever stranded on a road, I'd know how to fix my car, and not have to play the role of the helpless female. I'd like to be like Betty, actually. Fantastic cook, gardener, seamstress and mechanic all rolled into one helluva cute package. Damn. Oh, Rest In Peace, little crow.

Rain

No one appreciates the small joys in life. Like the rain. My logic is, you're going to get wet anyway, so you might as well enjoy it. The rain is lovely (mucky too, but that we shall leave for another day) and it is SO enjoyable if you just try to enjoy it. People should try jumping in puddles and getting drenched and not worry about stains on their clothes and enjoy the plok-plok-plok the drops make on metal surfaces and stand on a terrace with arms outstretched, and just enjoy the wet. Sigh. We were coming back home after dinner, and as usual, brother dear is all, "Ack, I'm getting wet, I'm getting wet!" Apparently he dissolves in the rain. Which would explain his aversion to bathing, or maybe that's just a guy thing. So anyway, he's all complaining, and mum's all complaining, and I'm just standing there, and letting myself get drizzled on. I could hear the raindrops on the hood of mum's car, and it was the prettiest sound I've heard in a long time. I couldn't help but smile. Nature is so amazing.

Jhankar

Jhankar came and went. My last ever. I thought, last year, that I'd wail my heart out. Now that it's over and everything, that feeling is just not there. Maybe because I didn't participate in my usual events, and the one, not-really-me event that I did participate in didn't fetch me any prizes. So I don't have a single trophy or certificate as a reminder of this year's activities. That kinda bites. I should've gotten a western music trophy. Lord knows I deserved it, after all that happened. They did brilliantly though, and won. I'm so proud. Almost made up for it. Almost. I still wish I could have been a part of it. Stupid viruses! I couldn't even cheer properly, 'coz I was coughing all the time. And it was all wet and squishy. Mondo annoying. Anywho, The song I ended up writing for my event, with the theme "Love" was, according to me, rather amusing. So here goes:

I'm not Charlie Sheen or James Bond
I don't live in the fancy part of town
I don't have the latest Mercedes McLaren
And Armani don't design the clothes I'm wearin'

(Chorus)
Flowers, diamonds, necklaces and pearls
I'm way too broke to afford that, girl
I hope I don't get dissed
But, baby, all I can give you is a kiss
And I'll give you true love
That's for sure
And I'll make you forget
I'm bordering on poor

I don't own a yacht, or live in Beverly Hills
I got my cash workin in my Daddy's mills
I may not be the best lookin' guy in town
But, baby, I sure know how to get around

So what do you say, let's give it a shot
You ain't seen half of what I got
We'll go for a ride and paint the town red
And I promise, you'll spend the night in your own bed

"Another chance"

There's a video by Roger Sanchez called Another Chance. It's a nice song. I'm the girl in the video. Not literally, obviously.

The game

I hold the dice in my hands, close my eyes and wish. I roll them. After what seems like an eternity, they land on the mat near your feet. Two fives. A ten. I smile. Your turn.

Pain and all

Stupid viral fever. I've been sick for the past two days, and I hate it! I've been lying in bed, alternatively shivering and sweating, coughing my lungs out, or so it seems, and sore all over. Ugh. Today, though, was the funniest. I had lost my appetite, so I hadn't really eaten for a while. So I decide to get up and get a drink of water, wash my face, swallow my tablet and stuff like that. I'm in the bathroom, and I'm feeling extremely light-headed, like I'm high or something, and the next thing I know, I've blacked out on my bathroom floor, having first hit my head on the sink, mind you. I just about managed to drag myself out of there and onto my bed, where I waited for the light-headedness to pass. I called Mum and she freaked out on me. Of course, she was imagining horrendous situations involving fainting and severe bodily harm from which I had been saved. "You're all alone at home, Nrithya! What if something had happened? No one's around to help!" Anywho. My left eyebrow is now slightly swollen. Another one for my list of aching body parts.

Sadness

It's not very often that interesting things happen on a bus, especially if you're trying to avoid those stupid jerks who try to feel you up. Today, though, I happened to be sitting next to an elderly man at the back of the bus, and he began to ask me stuff like what I was doing and whether my ears were pierced or if I was wearing clip-ons. Point being, at first I was wary and gave him monosyllabic replies, but then he asked if I believed in numerology and began to tell me stuff about myself. Me being fascinated by this sort of thing and all, I began to pay attention and everything, and he said some really interesting stuff. Sadly, it was cut short because I had to get off. He gave me his cellphone number, and now my curiosity is piqued. I'm dying to know what else he has to say, but the safety issue is a big problem. Which brings me to what I was thinking about on the way home. For some reason, I decided not to waste my energy arguing with the stupid auto guys, and walk home from the bus-stop. How that saved me energy is still a mystery. I came home ravenous and polished off my (rather late) lunch. (People underestimate my appetite!) So, anyway, while I was walking, I began to think, and I wondered what the guy was getting out of making (free) predictions to random people on buses, and how he could possibly be taking advantage or something. And then it struck me that, for whatever reason, I cannot accept happiness. I always look for the catch. Either that, or I enjoy it, all the while waiting for the axe to fall, or sometimes for the ground to give way beneath my feet. I wonder if that's just because of what's happened in the past, or whether it's plain old human nature. Hmm. One of life's big questions.

Silver moon night

"I'm sick and tired of 'You'll be fine'
How do you know? Do you read minds?"
I love that song. I'm into rock these days. Nothing to beat retro though. M-m-m-my Sharona! Heh heh heh.
Anywho. Gorgeous moon today. I was looking up at the sky, and there was this huge cloud under this huge moon, and it had that proverbial silver lining (I wonder if there's a message in there somewhere for me) and i was just thinking how abso-bloomin'-lutely amazing it would be to drive somewhere where there's no pollution and just lie on top of the car, listen to some soft music, and look up at that gorgeous sky. With someone of course. *sigh*
P.S: I'm sitting on my hands!

Confusion and all that

I'm confused. How are you supposed to react to a situation when you don't even know what the damn situation is? The sensible thing to do is to wait and see how it pans out blah,blah,blah. Who cares? Since when do people react sensibly anyway? Paf. But, seeing as how there really is nothing I can do, I'll just have to, like, sit on my hands or something. That is SO difficult for me! The not doing anything bit, I mean. I'm (mostly) proactive. And then there's the stress of the event. I have to prove a point. I could just be all not bothered and say I'm doing this for me and I don't need to prove to the world how smart/talented/nice I am and all that, but it's my pride at stake here. Now I'm just rambling. I need some excitement in my life.

Annoyed

Pain, crazy schedules, no explanations for certain behaviour, emotional rollercoaster, no plan-for-life, too much and too little going on at the same time. It's all quite maddening, actually.

Learning new things everyday

Okay, so I"m back from Bangalore. As usual, I had a total blast. Here's what I learnt / figured during my three days there:
1. Boys will be boys, charming or otherwise.
2. Never play a drinking game with Alok. If you do play, take the damn Kings out of the pack first!
3. Eat!
4. Don't make plans with drunk people.
5. Litchi squash, vodka and sprite is quite yummy.
6. Never play Monopoly with someone who knows it when you don't. You'll get scammed for sure.
7. Send it, like.
8. Scam and be scammed.
9. "Never judge a book by its cover" was the truest thing anyone ever said.
10. Sometimes, it's just not worth the effort.
11. Apparently, being a realist scares the shit out of people.
12. I love the city.
13. According to numerology, Bangalore stands for chilled out, laid back, creative etc. and (bloody) Bengaluru stands for fast paced, commercial, New York City kind of life. Wonderful.
14. You never get what you want and you never want what you can have.
15. Rohit is a darling.
16. I have a guy type singing voice. (Huh?)
17. The best of us get taken in sometimes.
18. Moving on is the best thing to do, but also the hardest.
19. I love long drives with the window down (without a maniac at the wheel), rain (when it doesn't screw up everything), loose sweaters, singing out real loud to rock (or humming when you don't know the words) and laughing.
20. I want to be free. In so many more ways than anyone can imagine.

Bangalooooore!

I'm going to Bangalore, I'm going to Bangalore, I'm going to Bangalore! I'm so excited! It's been ages! And therein lies my dilemma. I'm not the only one who's excited. The boy has ideas, as usual. And I'm making plans of my own, so to speak. So the dilemma is to do or not to do. So complicated! As if it isn't tough enough to make that decision. Heh heh, actually, it's quite simple. Anyway, point being, should I assume, and not do, or just go ahead and say screw it (I could put in a rude joke here, but I choose not to, given my new chaste avatar and all) and do anyway. Drama, drama, drama. As one enlightened soul so aptly puts it, "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups." Said enlightened soul made other statements too. Namely, "It's all in the mind" and "Everything boils down to sex (and food, sometimes both heh heh)". So true, but I'm still wondering what to do. Because if I rely on my judgement at that point, you can be sure my judgement would've flown out the window. So I have to decide now. And stick to it. *groan*

Bleugh

Why do things never happen the way you want them to happen? Ugh. Why does the guy in the red ask you out, when you really want the guy in blue to look in your direction, if not ask you out? Sigh. Is it really that hard to make things happen? *whine*

Misunderstood

I'm misunderstood. It's as simple as that. Why do people not take the time to get to know people before making assumptions about things like character and morals? Admitted, stereotypes are mildly comforting. It's so much easier to classify than to explore. You would think, though, that certain people in your life, namely friends, would take the time to get to know you. Ah, well. Apparently that's too much to expect. Which brings me to my statement: I'm misunderstood. It's such a shame that people see me one way, when in fact I'm not half the things they think I am. And I see no point in pretending to be that person, because I quite like me the way I am, thank you very much. I like the "social butterfly" facade, becuse it's only that. It's not who I am. I'd like to be seen for all my character strengths, and not remembered for my supposed moral-less lifestyle. Ha! I'd like to see people try and live my life and still be moralistic. I think I'm doing a splendid job. *applause all around*